But I know my mom loves me dearly. Even though I am the "maldita" daughter in her and everyone's eyes. She used to be overprotective of me. I didn't understand her before so I would raise heaven and hell just to get what I want (the "brattinella" complex). But you know what they say about realizing things when you get older or when you get the karma that you deserve? That's true. I have so many realizations which made me look back to my mom.
There were happier times. More than the bickering times. My mom and I shared the same passion for trying out new food and places. We also shared the habit of window shopping, trying out outfits, attempting to buy them, and end up deciding against it because there will be better items soon (yeah, after looking at the price tag). We just want to spend time out of the house.
But now, another person has taken over my mother. I lost her when she joined "Ang Dating Daan." I have nothing against changing religions. I respect other beliefs as long as they adhere to what is universally good. And being a Philosophy graduate, I have a non sectarian perspective which my mom equated to atheism. I would rather be mistaken as an agnostic but she wouldn't know the difference, anyway. Besides, I have grown to be a spiritual person now, not religious because religion is full of dogmas. But life is. Anyway, the alien that took away my mother has no intention of returning her. This new version of my mother is disconnected to us.
Why did I say so? This alien mom talks about God all the time. In all my humanness, I respect God and religion but talk to me in a language that is relateable in regular conversations. By regular conversations, I mean the common tongue. Okay, I do recognize that what is common is still subjective. But for heaven's sake (I do not mean this in a religious way, pardon the expression), she raised us so she know what I mean by regular conversations and common tongue. Some would come to her defense and would tell me that her religious language is her common tongue now. Let me put it this way: warn her that a typhoon is coming and she should not travel by sea, she would answer, "may awa ang Diyos" and would still go out there and put herself at risk. One time, I poured my guts out and shared a deepest thought about love and relationship and her comforting words are: you need spiritual and psychological therapy. That's it. I mean, I expect that from a stranger but not from my own mother!
Still unconvinced? Here's more: I was sharing how I want to have water birth in Tagaytay but not sure how to go about it. Her response: Iipagpaubaya mo sa Panginoon. If you are a mother or a daughter, you know what's wrong with this answer. I was expecting a conversation. A human conversation, not a religious verse or preaching. I was hoping for a mother-daughter exchange. Never mind if we disagree and argue, at least I know that we get the message across and one of us is shooting down that message or we are both agreeing with it. The important thing is to connect. To connect doesn't mean we will agree on everything. For me, connecting means we both know what each other is talking about, agree or disagree. The point of the discussion is we both know what the other is saying even if we don't think it's a good idea.
It's sad that we no longer connect. Whenever she responds that way (and believe me, it's always that way), it's a dead-end conversation for me. There's nothing to say but okay. I hate to say this but she has become one of the closed-minded fanatics that restricted their source of knowledge to one book or one common preacher. And that for me is the end of reason. If you're not learning, you're not growing. What happens when someone stops growing? It's called dying. I don't want to say that my mom is dying so I'd rather say that her mind and body are possessed by "alien, alien!"