I didn't know how to react when I found out about your demise. We were all shocked and saddened. I don't know you that much but had I any idea you were falling apart, I could have extended a hand. Or a listening ear. Or a shoulder to cry on. I'm not too certain I can do much but I could have at least uttered a prayer for your healing or enlightenment.
I always tell my friends "I see you" because I don't want any of my loved ones to fall into that bottomless pit wherein no one can ever be rescued nor perceived. I have been in the same dark, empty place and I remembered shunning the light, pushing away my family, feeling so much hatred, punishing those who cared, and hurting myself. Fortunately for me, I got help. Someone lowered himself into the abyss I was in, dragged me out of the dark hole and reminded me that happiness is a choice. I came to my senses.
I know how it feels to lose hope, to see no reason to live, to question God, to justify suicide. After all, just like you, I used to believe that my body, my life, is my own and I can do whatever I want with it. Why bother struggling with cruel life when it's easier to just stop living? When no one understands you, anyway? Many times I have pondered about (and yes, I have tried) taking the easier way out. But you see, stranger, I was wrong. I'm glad I realized it and I wish I can tell you why.
It may be too late but I'm saying this--well, not to you since your faculty of thought has already left your body--to others who may be experiencing the same darkness: when you think there's no way out, look up and kneel. The universe is a vast space full of energy and it can spare a bit of its resources to you. You need only ask.
I can only speak from my experience but I hope it matters that I understand what people like you are going through. I don't judge you. With a mind devoid of hope and reason, you did what you think was the only thing to do. But now that you're gone, what dreams may come?
If I may protest, we were celebrating about life! We were just proclaimed victors! You fooled us with your smile. You fooled us with your laughter. You fooled us with your comic demeanor. You fooled us with your caring gestures. You fooled everyone with your selflessness. What we didn't know was it was you who needed to be cheered up. It was you who needed to be cared for. You needed to be heard. You needed to be seen. You need help. And though you have saved many lives as a rescuer, it was you who needed to be saved.
Your tragedy made me look back to my dark past. But you see, stranger, we will carry on. I will move on but I will never forget the first and last thing I said to you:
It could have been me.
And the irony of the joke is... it is true.
I pray that you find peace wherever you may be, stranger...
Sincerely,
A Survivor