“What are you doing to yourself?” I asked the reflection. It smiled back at me. “You know you want it so don’t feel guilty now.” Yes, but, but... You’re pushing yourself too hard. In your age, you should be settling down now. You need to set your priorities straight. You’re 30ish, still single, don’t have a sex life, don’t have enough savings for retirement, and can’t even stay put in one place. How can you attract Mr. Right?
Damn Mr. Right. Trapped between my personal goals and noble causes, I couldn’t even take care of myself, let alone, go out on a date. Oftentimes, I am torn between 2 equally compelling choices—one is for my own personal benefit, the other is something I am passionate about.
1. Personal Appearance and Comfort vs Love for the Environment.
Any normal person would, of course, want to look heavenly beautiful than ugly as hell. It’s not plain vanity. It’s our natural love for aesthetics. So as much as I love my organic and all natural personal care products, I am still guilty of indulging in salon and spa treatments that are apparently harmful to our environment. I am guilty of owning signature bags manufactured by designers that are unmindful of the eco-system because they get their raw materials from destructive industries. I am guilty of adding greenhouse gases and leaving carbon footprints behind. I must admit that it’s easier to grab that disposable utensils than wash the dishes. It’s easier to eat take-out food than prepare my own organic meals. Oh dear, I need to pay back our Dear Nature. (Note to self: Go Vegetarian next year. <Fingers crossed>).
2. Independence vs Being Taken Care Of
I value my freedom and personal space so much that’s why I now live alone. Although I am independent and empowered, I long for the day when I can just go home to someone who will take over things while I rest without worrying about house chores, car chores, and other errands. Sometimes, I wish someone can prepare a nice dinner for me after a hard day’s work, unpack my deployment bag after a rescue operation or exercise, take my car for a routine maintenance or as basic as a car wash, clean the toilet so I can prolong the lovely nail polish on my well-manicured hands, or as simple as washing the dishes when my hands are already tired from a long drive or from pounding on the keyboard all day. Of course I want someone to take care of me too. Wait, let me add “someone to cuddle with at night” so it doesn’t sound like I need a maid, not a partner.
3. Being Free vs Being Committed
Sometimes, I accuse the Creator of being gender-biased. Why do women have a body clock to beat while men can produce gazillions of wasteful sperm even when they’re already grannies? It’s unfair. It’s wrong. It’s discrimination! Women have deadlines if they want to reproduce. So even if I still want to enjoy my freedom more and tick the items in my old bucket list, I need to hurry up find Mr. Right and settle down before my precious eggs dry up. Oh, the pressure!
4. To Conform or To Be Rad
My advocacies may seem strange and extreme to others, or plain weird to some. But the truth is, I am still 70% conformist. Why else am I still assimilated in our society? I may want to make a drastic difference but being a social animal that I am, I still fear exile (Coward!). I often talk about how women can take a lead role in any given situation but I still find it difficult to make the first move when I am attracted to a guy (fear of rejection?). I still chicken out on the idea of a 1-night stand (fear of being judged?). I still let the male members of my family lift the heavy loads while I sit and order them around (feeling princess?). I still go to church even though I believe that it is wrongly propagating a misleading image of God because I believe that God is gender-neutral. God can be a She. There must be gender balance even in the sign of the cross. It should be “In the name of the Father and Mother, and of the Son and Daughter, and of the Holy Spirit...” The important thing is that I exert conscious effort to deconstruct the discriminating norms that I've grown with. I'm not there yet but being rad is a continuous struggle.
Okay, I will stop right here before I get crucified. There are more things in my mind and I guess they should stay there before I get into trouble (see what I mean? I am still a conformist). And as far as the social media is concerned, this is as transparent as I can get for now. If you need to know more, then take me out for coffee or for a Salted Cream Wintermon Milk Tea (Now, how’s that for getting myself a date?) But going back to what I am ranting about, I really need to set my priorities because, although life is a great journey for me, everything will be half-baked if I continue to spread myself too thinly over multiple things. I maybe Goddess but my power doesn’t include walking on 2 roads at once.
Back to the reflection in the mirror, I may not be the fairest of all but at least I can say that I have lived my life to the fullest. I enjoyed every pimple-causing travels, every belly-fattening food porn, every hair-raising field exercise, and every skin-drying drinking session with my close buddies. And yes, I need to take it easy now and focus on some urgent things.